Knight and Day

I try and tuck my hair behind my ear as the wind whips around my face, only making it harder to control the tears streaming down from my bloodshot eyes. Eventually, I give up knowing it's impossible to control everything. Yesterday had no fears, and it seemed like everything was beautiful. Yesterday seems like forever ago. Yesterday seems like a dream. Yesterday's beauty only existed in yesterday's imagination. Yesterday was only like today, just with more hope - turning it into color. Today is only gray. No pure whites or solid blacks. Even my own reflection in the mirror is discolored. Even songs can't describe today. No makeup or mask can cover the emotion on my face. My face showed the pain from my troubled heart. Standing still I glance down at my trembling hands. The tips of my fingers were turning a pale blue from the cold. I can't get warm. I don't understand, but at the same time it all makes sense. I closed the window to my room so the wind blowing in didn't completely destroy my only belongings. That moment the room became so silent and still if there were anyone else in the room, they could hear my heart slowly beating. Walking back to the mirror, I pick up the black eyeliner pencil laying on the dresser. In less than a minute my eyes wear the symbol of insecurity, pain, anger, and determination. It's no mask. It's a sign. Material things give me no pleasure, so I put the eye makeup back. I know that I could lose control. My mind quickly raced to the thought of shattering the mirror with the lamp on the desk. Instead, I turn and face the door. Leaving like this isn't right though. I reach over and grab the towel laying on the bed and quickly remove the makeup from around my eyes. It's a choice. I could choose to be angry and act on impulse and pain, or I could breath and put a smile on my face. A smile that brightens everyone else's day even when mine has no color. Going back to the door, I grab the handle, take a deep breath, tell myself it's not the end, and walk out into the unknown.